At times I judge, though I know I don't have the right to. At times I compare, though I know it's unfair to. At times I wonder what went wrong, or things that could be undone. At times I tell myself I need time, though I've been given years now. I've always lived by the first rule of my life, that is to be happy. Then I wonder am I happy? I am. I really am. So what's missing in the picture? Perfection. The potion I once tasted. The best potion a perfectionist ever wanted. Life ain't perfect. Somehow I once tasted it. So what made it perfect? I think I know, I choose to deny. Certain things in life are so good, still they are worth traded off for. Life's mean at times. If you traded off something important in your life it doesn't mean you'll get something of equal value or more. That's why I strategize n make the best out of life. And still I failed. Okay that was kinda dumb. Okay at least I tried.
I saw I heard I read I thought. We weren't any different. Yet they pulled through. Guess u never really loved me anyway. U never really loved me enough.
It's been a while since i've cried. Almost forgotten how familiar it felt. Use to do it everyday and everynight... Lasted almost 2 years... It's a cold night. Reminds me how tears used to be the only thing that warms me. Gripping onto the fresh tears that lasted 3 seconds, I counted. His voice was scaring me... The tone, the words... What have I gotten myself into? Falling deeper and deeper... I feel it where it's supposed to feel. Ive always had a theory. How much it affects me proves how deep I've fallen. So I'm nice... pure... Vulnerable. Or in other words pathetic. Always allowing myself to get involved and get hurt. Over and over again. Ain't fun. It ain't fun at all. Ain't what a perfectionist is seeking.
Why do I have to be bipolar? No balance in my moods n emotions.
You know how you can't always do two things at the same time, please two sides at the same time... Someone once told me lifes not about pleasing others but yourself. Pleasing others pleases me. And when I'm can only please one side, that pisses me off.
I'm not even inspired to write. I'm depressed. Not everyone understands pms. Only the ones that do wouldn't get crap from me.
My love my heart my world's apart... Can't believe I still miss you this much. I'm living this double life, a life filled with lies. Lying to myself since forever.. Looking for temporary pain relieve everywhere.. I thought I've moved on, haven't been thinking about you much. I thought I got over you.. You totally don't deserve me. Neither do I... But that doesn't change the fact and the love I have towards you still lingers somewhere in me. Maybe it was homer. Can't believe a toy could really bring this much memory back into my life. Clearly you've moved on... clearly you hate me... I still don't know what I did... Months ago I was reading the silly letters you once sent me. Letters in those colourful sheets of paper... I my heart doesn't ache anymore reading what you once wrote to me. They used to ache so much... Pain was unbearable. I thought that meant that ive moved on. I guess it just made me realize I'm not a bad liar after all.
I miss u, I really do, I still do.
The scar is permenant... Removing a tattoo hurts more than getting one.
Everybody seem to think that I'm such a player. Friends... Even mom thinks so.. even Sis said, it's about time you get serious.
It hurts when they think they know me but they actually don't. It hurts when they think of me this way... I'm a person dead serious with relationships. Heck I even wanted to get married before even turning 20. That doesn't prove me being naive and stupid. That proved my heart can only fit one.
I've been with so many guys none affected me this much. None got into my heart. None but one. I'm dead loyal. Dead serious. Dead in-love. Dead in-pain.
This is all stupid. These thoughts... Friends are not online n I'm depressed with no one to talk to.
I got you out of my head. But i can't get you out of my heart. Memories, rational thoughts in my head they all made sense And I kicked you out of my head and you are officially out of my head. How do I kick you out of my heart? I want to, I really do. If I could... Just stop crying these pathetic tears..
Every single time I board a plane I have a different feeling, different emotions. Today I just felt like crying. I feel weak. It was my sister’s wedding yesterday and the day before. I don’t feel like leaving just yet.
I never had a close relationship with my sister. I didn’t even know what she was studying in college till after like what, two years? And she didn’t even bother if I’ve won a prize or something. We argued so much, that I asked my dad one day, whether if I could have my degree in KL or overseas, as long as its not in Penang, I don’t want to be with her. Yesterday felt like she’s gone. I’m sure my parents feel the same too, or maybe worse. Sis never did spend much time at home anyway. It wouldn’t have made much difference now that she’s married and no longer staying with us. Its just the thought and the feeling. Her half of her stuff isn’t at home anymore… I’m not sure if it’s correct to call her room, her room anymore.
The past 2 days have been one of my greatest and happiest days in life. I was doing what I love. I planned half of the dinner, the other half is because I wasn’t in penang, and also because I couldn’t be making any decisions cause dad mom and sis all have their own opinions. Anyway planning and organizing half of the wedding felt good. And I wanted more. i’ve always wanted to be a wedding planner since my college years. Saying that I wanna be one and actually trying is a whole different story. I love to be frustrated over the flowers not being done on schedule and I had tos cream at the florist. I love to be in charge of the program, a little more practice and experience could get me to make more of my own decisions. Like, I didn’t know if it is better to have the dishes served before or after a program and all. Only people who have experienced it could make that decision.
I was the emcee for the night, on short notice and I was making a fuss out of it while preparing the dinner time table. But that’s just me being me. On such short notice I had to say “what, who? Me? I cant lah”. But actually I can. The last time I was an emcee for the anniversary charity dinner, it was a disaster. I’ve been traumatized ever since, exaggeratively. But I like speaking in public. Not cause I’m like some attention whore, cause I’m not. But I’ve been having thoughts of being a host or an emcee as a profession. In Penang or Malaysia of course. I’m not confident enough in Australia. Dad kept hinting me to get PR in Australia. But I;m not sure if I really want to. I understand why he’s asking me to get PR in Australia but it might not be what I want, or where I see myself to be in 5 years from now.
I wanna be in events screaming at people, bossing people around to get projects and events done on schedule. Stressing over stuff like this is actually fun.
I cant concentrate in my assignments at all! There is nothing on my mind. No, not true. There are heaps of things buzzing around in my mind. That explains the restless nights, every single night! For the past whole week or more. Yeah heaps of things buzzing inside my head, that I cant focus on one thing to think about,
thus, not thinking about anything at all.
I dont even know what I'm trying to write in this post. This is all so pathetic. Even the zit on my face is not helping. Think I should just call it a night. 11 hours staring at my laptop. fml.
5 projects in hand. a week left to get it done. Please doooooooont do this to meeeeee.... URGH! fml again.
I swear I'm going to kill myself if I dont get one of my assignments done by tomorrow.
She misses the soft humming's of the ceiling fan... it was either the fan, or the air conditioner... occasional barking's from the dog when buses drive pass... how the familiar voices and Hokkien dialogues of never ending Taiwanese drama series use to fill the air all the way from the living room to the kitchen... the room smells the same regardless of the number of lodgers throughout the past few months. 3 pillows and a huge bed... no more walking no more buses.
Having a totally disfigured Boost chocolate bar right now. Left out on the table, room temperature. House mate picked it up and decided that he misses Play Doh for quite a bit. Popped it in the fridge after that.
I swear, with whatever I can swear to, that the day when I die, the cause of death will be related to food, no doubt. Diabetes or high cholesterol... or that I died of an exploding stomach. My body hates me. I think its the brain with the sugar cravings. Been eating the entire afternoon, non stop.
I miss a lot of things. Wondering if they miss me too.
Of all the days in the week, Thursdays are the only days where my class starts at 5.30, and ends at 8.30. Weather's getting colder.. in fact, it is like 20 degrees right now. It was like 30 degrees 2 nights ago.
Paula dropped me home today. Great achievement for me, it was the first time a girl has ever dropped me home before, in Perth of course. Luck's on my side... I'm trying to get to know more girlfriends than guys, hang out with more girls than guys. Just this week I've met an Indonesian girl called Susan =), 2 girls from Norway, Inga and, I forgot the name of the other girl, and a guy called Antoine and a girl called Delphine, both from France. =D They were adorable, babbling away in French.
Not that I dont wanna hang out with girls, its just that I dont call people out, and people who call me out are mostly guys... plus I dont have a car and yeah.
Pixellated picture of the empty street in front of my house. All I wanted was to chill in the middle of the streets. Cold air on my face, star covered night sky... no people no cars. Best feeling ever.
I've got so much on my mind right now I just dont know where, how or who I can express myself to. Its like I need to throw up but I cant, cause I'm in someone else's car, cause I need to look good, and I'm stubborn enough to refuse to believe that I'm actually drunk, and of course, the champagne was expensive, better keep it in and force my stomach to digest it anyhow. Fact is, I dont know what to think what to feel what to say what to do, anymore. A part of me feels like its gone for good. I must admit I saw it coming. Just wanted to live in denial, live in my little fantasy land and refuse to step out of this happy bubble that I've created... refuse to believe that miracles dont happen... all along conscious but refuse to face the truth.
I was told to grow up. Yeah these thoughts were once in my head, all of them, before anything even started. I just chose to be optimistic just so I'd lie to myself and be happy... deep inside dreading for the awful day to hit me one day, cause I've tried ways to prevent it, to fix it. I ended up with denying it. I grew and decided to stay.
Gave myself 3 shots of Bailey's. Found it in some box around the house. That'll put me to sleep... not cause I watch too much TVB drama series. No, really. I'm suppose to have hot chocolate, but this is creamy ad milk-like too!
I dont know what I can do with my life anymore. The subjects in uni are easy. I cant get a job till i come back in April. Sister's wedding is in April. There is no goal for me anymore, all of a sudden. Dont worry, I aint gonna kill myself. I just need a goal in life for me to stare at until I somehow find a way to make it near that goal... near will do, I never keep my hopes up high.
I'm not even inspired to write anymore. I dont feel like sleeping but I have a class tomorrow, I have errands to run, assignments to complete, a smile to fake... I cant afford a break down, not today, not now. Cant afford to throw up, cant afford to burst no matter how much I need to. I need to pull myself together and keep myself under control. Anddddd I hope I know what I'm doing or what I'm getting myself into.
Two years ago I was young, naive, and so in love. I felt like my life is perfect, I've found the perfect guy, about to graduate Diploma, perfect job, love my hair, love my friends, love my family... everyday was a good day for me. And I use to skip so much... skip around the office, around college, on the streets, in my house, in my room! I can faintly recall those times. I was happy.
Did I grow up? Or why am I not skipping anymore?
A year ago when I was working as an iPhone promoter, I came across this lady. She's not a customer of mine, she was just in the shop looking for a person n she wasnt there, I was bored, we started chatting over the counter... she told me she knows fortune telling. Out of curiosity I asked her to read my fortune, I mean, who wouldnt want to know? I never knew her. She told me about my career, love life and family. Not that I want to believe such crap but something hit me from what she told me. It was actually true coming from a stranger. Maybe she's good at reading my body language, judging me from the way i dress the topic we talked. But I was just some bimbo in heels talking too much. That helps to sell products doesnt it?
She knew I had family problems, arguments and conflicts with my sister were too much for me. She knew that I'm a perfectionist in love and relationships. Exact quote from her "if that guy isnt perfect, you'd leave him and search for another guy - one that is perfect." That explains why when I found one that I find perfect, its so hard for me to let go, so hard for me to move on. I was so scared, so lost, so empty.
Now I see myself as a person of who I use to find perfect, in search of perfection. This is not a good sign. I will never be good enough, I will never be satisfied enough. Fairy tales dont exist.
I was lost. Then I've found myself. Now I'm having second thoughts - is this the right choice? I've always been the indecisive person, afraid to even decide which flavour of chips should I get. Not that I'm easy enough not to be picky in flavours, my mind just works on its own to decide the best flavour to take for today.. and it just takes forever. Just because I'm scared, scared of making the wrong decisions, wrong decisions in life from as simple as flavoured chips to what I should do with my life.
Insecure, scared, frighten... living my life being haunted by possible consequences, what I might have gotten myself into. Afraid to grow up.. afraid to face burning truths... afraid there's no one to lean on... afraid to even live my own life.
Incomplete, lost, in need of people to point me to the right direction. This is when dad says I'm a big girl now, old enough to make my own decisions, strong enough to face the downside of life... at times I just wish I could still be daddy's little girl, with nothing to worry about. At times I admire my own brain and how it works, being conscious of things that others might not be conscious about, at least not yet.
When you're a baby, you can barely stand up but you cant wait to run. When you're a kid, it feels great to secretly slip your tiny feet into mommy's high heels for just a few minutes. When you're in primary school you hated the boys, you find boys, holding hands and kissing disgusting, but parents and teachers still sit you right next to the boys, you wish you were old enough to make adult decisions, which at that time is to not sit beside a boy. In secondary you hit puberty. You start wearing heels, see what make up brand your friends use, you start to wear a bra, you cant fit into children sized clothings anymore, neither can you fit into adult sized clothings. But you still chose to shop at adult boutiques, simply because you cant wait to grow up, cant wait to graduate, cant wait to work. Then after you get what you thought you wanted, you dont want them anymore.
Before you hit mid life crisis, there's this phase called quarter life crisis or some kind of quarter life turmoil, where me here, havent even turn 22 yet, start to miss being a rebel in high school, how I know I'm mature enough to not risk breaking rules cause there's actually no point for it. Breaking rules in high school made me feel good, invincible, confident, fun. How I look back at my own pictures, reminiscing how I use to look - young, straight hair, innocent (I must say!), and I didnt use to have eye bags. My eyes use to shine. I refuse to think this has got anything to do with aging, eyes dont age, but I bet the soul does. Not saying that I'm proud of who I've become, but I do miss the person who I use to be - strong, and happy. Now I'm determined, stubborn, arrogant, emotional, confused. Think I'm falling apart.
Researchers found that this is often a time for reflection and reassessment (quote Wiki on midlife crisis). Which is what I've been doing for the past 1 year. I still cant find myself yet.
It causes a period of psychological stress and depression (yes quote from Wiki). Yes I see the symptoms on me already thank you very much.
It is because middle aged men experience major events in their life like losing/ death of a loved one (the break up), career setback (maybe not yet), kids moving out on their parents to study to work or to get married (more like me/ben's leaving), debt (yes I'm running low on fundings and I think my dad is spending too much money on the family and I feel the punch), or even physical changes due to aging (not funny!).
Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:
search of an undefined dream or goal
a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
confusion about who they are, unable to make decisions about where they want to go in their life
questioning the choices that they have made in their life
blaming themselves or their partner for their failures.
Feeling a need for adventure and change
paying special attention to physical appearance such as covering baldness, wearing "younger" designer clothes etc.
entering relationships with younger people (either/or sexual, professional, parental, etc.)
placing overimportance (and possibly a psychologically damaging amount) on their children to excel in areas such as sports, arts or academics.
How many? I mean, exactly HOW MANY of these fit what I'm going through to be honest?
This is when I could use some counselling, psychological therapy, etc...
And there isnt an article in Wiki saying how to overcome mid life crisis. I'm aging too fast. There you go, depression. And when I Google midlife crisis, "divorcesupport.com" and "Coping with your husband's midlife crisis: Relationships" comes out at the top 2 links. Way the go Jocelyn, you're a 40 year old fat bald dude in a 21 year old uni student's body.
I came to Perth to start over a new life. I cant just start over every single time this happens to me. Then I'd need a new life every year. Why is this happening to me? Why cant I be some 21 year old smoking weed happily in the balcony? Watching series and movies everyday, playing games like Dota everyday, getting drunk and wasted, partying and clubbing... shopping and hanging out with girlfriends painting each other's toenails. Making out on the couch with their boyfriends, and beyond. Well that's what everyone around me is doing right now, to be happy, to have fun. What about me? 20 years down the line I might just regret not bungee jumping when I was 22 simply because I'm old already. 10 years down the line I might just regret I didnt get myself a tattoo when I was 21. 8 years down the line I might just regret I didnt date enough guys, and now I'm settled with this husband already. 5 years, 3 years, or even just next month, there are so many things that I might end up regretting in life. What should I be doing now? At this age? Not wanting to grow up too fast. Not wanting to be a kid anymore.
There's my voice that could tickle u inside out. There's our skin that feels nice next to each other. There's your body that never fails to give me warmth. There's your lips that could melt my heart in every single kiss...
You don't exist. You don't call. You don't smile at me, Or even look at all.
I can't say I don't miss u, And I can't say that I do.
There's always that bar hanging high up. There's always a gap burried deep down. There's always a drop I wish there's none. There's always a memory, or maybe more than one.
If you like a person, it doesnt mean that you have to be with them. So what if I like you? So what if I still like you? So what if I have a crush on you? So what If I've never moved on? So what If I have feelings for you? Do you deserve my love? If you do, prove it. If you dont, the crush is just a mere feeling that doesnt mean a thing. I always ask, Am I worth your time? Are you worth my time? I was talking about time and time alone, nothing more. I just wanna spend time with someone that makes my day. Keep me smiling and shinning. Doesnt really matter if there are feelings involved or not. If talking to you makes me cry, why would I still talk to you anymore? My heart can only fit one. I'm not sure who's in it anymore.
To receive a heart I have to give a heart. I have no one to give my heart to this Christmas. None that deserves it. Fairy tales doesnt exist.
90% of my blog posts have pictures more than words. Not because I'm vain... well, okay partly because I'm vain, partly because people are just too lazy to read blogs they prefer to see pictures instead, I too, am too lazy to write too much, then I lazy to proofread some more...
Now that I'm back in Penang, friends and relatives who have been reading my blog came up to me and said "wahhh somebody is having a lot of fun in Australia lohhh, very fun right? Shuang hor?"
What's going through my mind is that you sounded like you're not happy for me when I seem to be happy and having fun in Australia. Perhaps hinting that I'm having fun, forgetting what my main purpose of being in Australia is... to study. Well for one, I dont like to share sad bits and pieces of my life unless I really really feel like it, I try only to share happy posts because I believe if I am happy, whoever that is reading my blog would be happy, I mean, who would want to read a blog that is constantly filled with negative posts? Two, I do study and work as well while I'm in Australia. I study hard, work hard, play hard. I do blog about all 3 of those.
Not many people know the main purpose of me wanting to go to Australia to study, isnt because everybody around me went overseas and I wanted to go too. Its not like that. The main reason is because I wanted a new life, I wanted to start over. Last year I was in such a devastating state, I ran out of ideas to safe my own life, I needed a new life. It was when I was so desperate for a restart button in my life. I argued with my sister so much I hated her, I didnt want to live with her. I wished I'd never met Liang before in my life. I wish I knew what to do with my life, everything was in such a mess that I ran out of ways to fix it, I dont want to fix my life anymore, I want a new life.
Life in Australia made me a bitch but its a new life nonetheless. A broken heart broke more hearts.
I could not say I was happy. I wasnt who I was for a period of time but I loved it. I wasnt crying every night anymore, I wasnt calling up random friends to talk anymore, I wasnt going out till 3 in the morning just so that I wouldnt spend the night alone at home in my room anymore, I wasnt asking everybody out, making sure that I'm not home alone, I'm not trying to stay up late every night distracting myself with games and movies, making myself as tired as possible before I hit the sheets, just so that I could fall asleep the moment I lay down in bed. I didnt want to be alone or I'd start crying when so many things reminded me of the awful memories.
Now that I'm back in Penang, The memories followed. The moment I step into my room, my room smelled exactly as how I remembered, exactly as how I left it, exactly as how we use to spend so much time in my room. I could see my rubbish bin in the middle of the room, us sitting down with fishes made out of ang pows, scattered all over the floor and around us, scissors in our hands, then after staring at him for 5 minutes I said with a huge smile, "cubby u look really cute when you're focused, with a really serious face." Then he looked up and smiled. I could never forget that smile. The smile that I'd give up anything right now just to forget it. Then I thought of us cleaning up the maggots in my room cause there was a carcass in the roof right above my room, the maggots came down the corners of my room and we were looking at those fat juicy creatures, sweeping them away, moving the furniture in my room around. This is where it all happened. He did my hair here. He even promised to paint my room together with me at the end of the year. It never happened. I didnt want to cry. Didnt know why I did. Why did I throw away the pictures why did I burn them? I shouldnt have.
That's just my room. Shit loads of other things around me, the list goes on. I cant live this life anymore. I went to Perth for a new life, and now I'm back to who I was exactly a year ago from today, exactly who I was before I went.
At times I judge, though I know I don't have the right to. At times I compare, though I know it's unfair to. At times I wonder what went wrong, or things that could be undone. At times I tell myself I need time, though I've been given years now. I've always lived by the first rule of my life, that is to be happy. Then I wonder am I happy? I am. I really am. So what's missing in the picture? Perfection. The potion I once tasted. The best potion a perfectionist ever wanted. Life ain't perfect. Somehow I once tasted it. So what made it perfect? I think I know, I choose to deny. Certain things in life are so good, still they are worth traded off for. Life's mean at times. If you traded off something important in your life it doesn't mean you'll get something of equal value or more. That's why I strategize n make the best out of life. And still I failed. Okay that was kinda dumb. Okay at least I tried.
I saw I heard I read I thought. We weren't any different. Yet they pulled through. Guess u never really loved me anyway. U never really loved me enough.
It's been a while since i've cried. Almost forgotten how familiar it felt. Use to do it everyday and everynight... Lasted almost 2 years... It's a cold night. Reminds me how tears used to be the only thing that warms me. Gripping onto the fresh tears that lasted 3 seconds, I counted. His voice was scaring me... The tone, the words... What have I gotten myself into? Falling deeper and deeper... I feel it where it's supposed to feel. Ive always had a theory. How much it affects me proves how deep I've fallen. So I'm nice... pure... Vulnerable. Or in other words pathetic. Always allowing myself to get involved and get hurt. Over and over again. Ain't fun. It ain't fun at all. Ain't what a perfectionist is seeking.
Why do I have to be bipolar? No balance in my moods n emotions.
You know how you can't always do two things at the same time, please two sides at the same time... Someone once told me lifes not about pleasing others but yourself. Pleasing others pleases me. And when I'm can only please one side, that pisses me off.
I'm not even inspired to write. I'm depressed. Not everyone understands pms. Only the ones that do wouldn't get crap from me.
My love my heart my world's apart... Can't believe I still miss you this much. I'm living this double life, a life filled with lies. Lying to myself since forever.. Looking for temporary pain relieve everywhere.. I thought I've moved on, haven't been thinking about you much. I thought I got over you.. You totally don't deserve me. Neither do I... But that doesn't change the fact and the love I have towards you still lingers somewhere in me. Maybe it was homer. Can't believe a toy could really bring this much memory back into my life. Clearly you've moved on... clearly you hate me... I still don't know what I did... Months ago I was reading the silly letters you once sent me. Letters in those colourful sheets of paper... I my heart doesn't ache anymore reading what you once wrote to me. They used to ache so much... Pain was unbearable. I thought that meant that ive moved on. I guess it just made me realize I'm not a bad liar after all.
I miss u, I really do, I still do.
The scar is permenant... Removing a tattoo hurts more than getting one.
Everybody seem to think that I'm such a player. Friends... Even mom thinks so.. even Sis said, it's about time you get serious.
It hurts when they think they know me but they actually don't. It hurts when they think of me this way... I'm a person dead serious with relationships. Heck I even wanted to get married before even turning 20. That doesn't prove me being naive and stupid. That proved my heart can only fit one.
I've been with so many guys none affected me this much. None got into my heart. None but one. I'm dead loyal. Dead serious. Dead in-love. Dead in-pain.
This is all stupid. These thoughts... Friends are not online n I'm depressed with no one to talk to.
I got you out of my head. But i can't get you out of my heart. Memories, rational thoughts in my head they all made sense And I kicked you out of my head and you are officially out of my head. How do I kick you out of my heart? I want to, I really do. If I could... Just stop crying these pathetic tears..
Every single time I board a plane I have a different feeling, different emotions. Today I just felt like crying. I feel weak. It was my sister’s wedding yesterday and the day before. I don’t feel like leaving just yet.
I never had a close relationship with my sister. I didn’t even know what she was studying in college till after like what, two years? And she didn’t even bother if I’ve won a prize or something. We argued so much, that I asked my dad one day, whether if I could have my degree in KL or overseas, as long as its not in Penang, I don’t want to be with her. Yesterday felt like she’s gone. I’m sure my parents feel the same too, or maybe worse. Sis never did spend much time at home anyway. It wouldn’t have made much difference now that she’s married and no longer staying with us. Its just the thought and the feeling. Her half of her stuff isn’t at home anymore… I’m not sure if it’s correct to call her room, her room anymore.
The past 2 days have been one of my greatest and happiest days in life. I was doing what I love. I planned half of the dinner, the other half is because I wasn’t in penang, and also because I couldn’t be making any decisions cause dad mom and sis all have their own opinions. Anyway planning and organizing half of the wedding felt good. And I wanted more. i’ve always wanted to be a wedding planner since my college years. Saying that I wanna be one and actually trying is a whole different story. I love to be frustrated over the flowers not being done on schedule and I had tos cream at the florist. I love to be in charge of the program, a little more practice and experience could get me to make more of my own decisions. Like, I didn’t know if it is better to have the dishes served before or after a program and all. Only people who have experienced it could make that decision.
I was the emcee for the night, on short notice and I was making a fuss out of it while preparing the dinner time table. But that’s just me being me. On such short notice I had to say “what, who? Me? I cant lah”. But actually I can. The last time I was an emcee for the anniversary charity dinner, it was a disaster. I’ve been traumatized ever since, exaggeratively. But I like speaking in public. Not cause I’m like some attention whore, cause I’m not. But I’ve been having thoughts of being a host or an emcee as a profession. In Penang or Malaysia of course. I’m not confident enough in Australia. Dad kept hinting me to get PR in Australia. But I;m not sure if I really want to. I understand why he’s asking me to get PR in Australia but it might not be what I want, or where I see myself to be in 5 years from now.
I wanna be in events screaming at people, bossing people around to get projects and events done on schedule. Stressing over stuff like this is actually fun.
I cant concentrate in my assignments at all! There is nothing on my mind. No, not true. There are heaps of things buzzing around in my mind. That explains the restless nights, every single night! For the past whole week or more. Yeah heaps of things buzzing inside my head, that I cant focus on one thing to think about,
thus, not thinking about anything at all.
I dont even know what I'm trying to write in this post. This is all so pathetic. Even the zit on my face is not helping. Think I should just call it a night. 11 hours staring at my laptop. fml.
5 projects in hand. a week left to get it done. Please doooooooont do this to meeeeee.... URGH! fml again.
I swear I'm going to kill myself if I dont get one of my assignments done by tomorrow.
She misses the soft humming's of the ceiling fan... it was either the fan, or the air conditioner... occasional barking's from the dog when buses drive pass... how the familiar voices and Hokkien dialogues of never ending Taiwanese drama series use to fill the air all the way from the living room to the kitchen... the room smells the same regardless of the number of lodgers throughout the past few months. 3 pillows and a huge bed... no more walking no more buses.
Having a totally disfigured Boost chocolate bar right now. Left out on the table, room temperature. House mate picked it up and decided that he misses Play Doh for quite a bit. Popped it in the fridge after that.
I swear, with whatever I can swear to, that the day when I die, the cause of death will be related to food, no doubt. Diabetes or high cholesterol... or that I died of an exploding stomach. My body hates me. I think its the brain with the sugar cravings. Been eating the entire afternoon, non stop.
I miss a lot of things. Wondering if they miss me too.
Of all the days in the week, Thursdays are the only days where my class starts at 5.30, and ends at 8.30. Weather's getting colder.. in fact, it is like 20 degrees right now. It was like 30 degrees 2 nights ago.
Paula dropped me home today. Great achievement for me, it was the first time a girl has ever dropped me home before, in Perth of course. Luck's on my side... I'm trying to get to know more girlfriends than guys, hang out with more girls than guys. Just this week I've met an Indonesian girl called Susan =), 2 girls from Norway, Inga and, I forgot the name of the other girl, and a guy called Antoine and a girl called Delphine, both from France. =D They were adorable, babbling away in French.
Not that I dont wanna hang out with girls, its just that I dont call people out, and people who call me out are mostly guys... plus I dont have a car and yeah.
Pixellated picture of the empty street in front of my house. All I wanted was to chill in the middle of the streets. Cold air on my face, star covered night sky... no people no cars. Best feeling ever.
I've got so much on my mind right now I just dont know where, how or who I can express myself to. Its like I need to throw up but I cant, cause I'm in someone else's car, cause I need to look good, and I'm stubborn enough to refuse to believe that I'm actually drunk, and of course, the champagne was expensive, better keep it in and force my stomach to digest it anyhow. Fact is, I dont know what to think what to feel what to say what to do, anymore. A part of me feels like its gone for good. I must admit I saw it coming. Just wanted to live in denial, live in my little fantasy land and refuse to step out of this happy bubble that I've created... refuse to believe that miracles dont happen... all along conscious but refuse to face the truth.
I was told to grow up. Yeah these thoughts were once in my head, all of them, before anything even started. I just chose to be optimistic just so I'd lie to myself and be happy... deep inside dreading for the awful day to hit me one day, cause I've tried ways to prevent it, to fix it. I ended up with denying it. I grew and decided to stay.
Gave myself 3 shots of Bailey's. Found it in some box around the house. That'll put me to sleep... not cause I watch too much TVB drama series. No, really. I'm suppose to have hot chocolate, but this is creamy ad milk-like too!
I dont know what I can do with my life anymore. The subjects in uni are easy. I cant get a job till i come back in April. Sister's wedding is in April. There is no goal for me anymore, all of a sudden. Dont worry, I aint gonna kill myself. I just need a goal in life for me to stare at until I somehow find a way to make it near that goal... near will do, I never keep my hopes up high.
I'm not even inspired to write anymore. I dont feel like sleeping but I have a class tomorrow, I have errands to run, assignments to complete, a smile to fake... I cant afford a break down, not today, not now. Cant afford to throw up, cant afford to burst no matter how much I need to. I need to pull myself together and keep myself under control. Anddddd I hope I know what I'm doing or what I'm getting myself into.
Two years ago I was young, naive, and so in love. I felt like my life is perfect, I've found the perfect guy, about to graduate Diploma, perfect job, love my hair, love my friends, love my family... everyday was a good day for me. And I use to skip so much... skip around the office, around college, on the streets, in my house, in my room! I can faintly recall those times. I was happy.
Did I grow up? Or why am I not skipping anymore?
A year ago when I was working as an iPhone promoter, I came across this lady. She's not a customer of mine, she was just in the shop looking for a person n she wasnt there, I was bored, we started chatting over the counter... she told me she knows fortune telling. Out of curiosity I asked her to read my fortune, I mean, who wouldnt want to know? I never knew her. She told me about my career, love life and family. Not that I want to believe such crap but something hit me from what she told me. It was actually true coming from a stranger. Maybe she's good at reading my body language, judging me from the way i dress the topic we talked. But I was just some bimbo in heels talking too much. That helps to sell products doesnt it?
She knew I had family problems, arguments and conflicts with my sister were too much for me. She knew that I'm a perfectionist in love and relationships. Exact quote from her "if that guy isnt perfect, you'd leave him and search for another guy - one that is perfect." That explains why when I found one that I find perfect, its so hard for me to let go, so hard for me to move on. I was so scared, so lost, so empty.
Now I see myself as a person of who I use to find perfect, in search of perfection. This is not a good sign. I will never be good enough, I will never be satisfied enough. Fairy tales dont exist.
I was lost. Then I've found myself. Now I'm having second thoughts - is this the right choice? I've always been the indecisive person, afraid to even decide which flavour of chips should I get. Not that I'm easy enough not to be picky in flavours, my mind just works on its own to decide the best flavour to take for today.. and it just takes forever. Just because I'm scared, scared of making the wrong decisions, wrong decisions in life from as simple as flavoured chips to what I should do with my life.
Insecure, scared, frighten... living my life being haunted by possible consequences, what I might have gotten myself into. Afraid to grow up.. afraid to face burning truths... afraid there's no one to lean on... afraid to even live my own life.
Incomplete, lost, in need of people to point me to the right direction. This is when dad says I'm a big girl now, old enough to make my own decisions, strong enough to face the downside of life... at times I just wish I could still be daddy's little girl, with nothing to worry about. At times I admire my own brain and how it works, being conscious of things that others might not be conscious about, at least not yet.
When you're a baby, you can barely stand up but you cant wait to run. When you're a kid, it feels great to secretly slip your tiny feet into mommy's high heels for just a few minutes. When you're in primary school you hated the boys, you find boys, holding hands and kissing disgusting, but parents and teachers still sit you right next to the boys, you wish you were old enough to make adult decisions, which at that time is to not sit beside a boy. In secondary you hit puberty. You start wearing heels, see what make up brand your friends use, you start to wear a bra, you cant fit into children sized clothings anymore, neither can you fit into adult sized clothings. But you still chose to shop at adult boutiques, simply because you cant wait to grow up, cant wait to graduate, cant wait to work. Then after you get what you thought you wanted, you dont want them anymore.
Before you hit mid life crisis, there's this phase called quarter life crisis or some kind of quarter life turmoil, where me here, havent even turn 22 yet, start to miss being a rebel in high school, how I know I'm mature enough to not risk breaking rules cause there's actually no point for it. Breaking rules in high school made me feel good, invincible, confident, fun. How I look back at my own pictures, reminiscing how I use to look - young, straight hair, innocent (I must say!), and I didnt use to have eye bags. My eyes use to shine. I refuse to think this has got anything to do with aging, eyes dont age, but I bet the soul does. Not saying that I'm proud of who I've become, but I do miss the person who I use to be - strong, and happy. Now I'm determined, stubborn, arrogant, emotional, confused. Think I'm falling apart.
Researchers found that this is often a time for reflection and reassessment (quote Wiki on midlife crisis). Which is what I've been doing for the past 1 year. I still cant find myself yet.
It causes a period of psychological stress and depression (yes quote from Wiki). Yes I see the symptoms on me already thank you very much.
It is because middle aged men experience major events in their life like losing/ death of a loved one (the break up), career setback (maybe not yet), kids moving out on their parents to study to work or to get married (more like me/ben's leaving), debt (yes I'm running low on fundings and I think my dad is spending too much money on the family and I feel the punch), or even physical changes due to aging (not funny!).
Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:
search of an undefined dream or goal
a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
confusion about who they are, unable to make decisions about where they want to go in their life
questioning the choices that they have made in their life
blaming themselves or their partner for their failures.
Feeling a need for adventure and change
paying special attention to physical appearance such as covering baldness, wearing "younger" designer clothes etc.
entering relationships with younger people (either/or sexual, professional, parental, etc.)
placing overimportance (and possibly a psychologically damaging amount) on their children to excel in areas such as sports, arts or academics.
How many? I mean, exactly HOW MANY of these fit what I'm going through to be honest?
This is when I could use some counselling, psychological therapy, etc...
And there isnt an article in Wiki saying how to overcome mid life crisis. I'm aging too fast. There you go, depression. And when I Google midlife crisis, "divorcesupport.com" and "Coping with your husband's midlife crisis: Relationships" comes out at the top 2 links. Way the go Jocelyn, you're a 40 year old fat bald dude in a 21 year old uni student's body.
I came to Perth to start over a new life. I cant just start over every single time this happens to me. Then I'd need a new life every year. Why is this happening to me? Why cant I be some 21 year old smoking weed happily in the balcony? Watching series and movies everyday, playing games like Dota everyday, getting drunk and wasted, partying and clubbing... shopping and hanging out with girlfriends painting each other's toenails. Making out on the couch with their boyfriends, and beyond. Well that's what everyone around me is doing right now, to be happy, to have fun. What about me? 20 years down the line I might just regret not bungee jumping when I was 22 simply because I'm old already. 10 years down the line I might just regret I didnt get myself a tattoo when I was 21. 8 years down the line I might just regret I didnt date enough guys, and now I'm settled with this husband already. 5 years, 3 years, or even just next month, there are so many things that I might end up regretting in life. What should I be doing now? At this age? Not wanting to grow up too fast. Not wanting to be a kid anymore.
There's my voice that could tickle u inside out. There's our skin that feels nice next to each other. There's your body that never fails to give me warmth. There's your lips that could melt my heart in every single kiss...
You don't exist. You don't call. You don't smile at me, Or even look at all.
I can't say I don't miss u, And I can't say that I do.
There's always that bar hanging high up. There's always a gap burried deep down. There's always a drop I wish there's none. There's always a memory, or maybe more than one.
If you like a person, it doesnt mean that you have to be with them. So what if I like you? So what if I still like you? So what if I have a crush on you? So what If I've never moved on? So what If I have feelings for you? Do you deserve my love? If you do, prove it. If you dont, the crush is just a mere feeling that doesnt mean a thing. I always ask, Am I worth your time? Are you worth my time? I was talking about time and time alone, nothing more. I just wanna spend time with someone that makes my day. Keep me smiling and shinning. Doesnt really matter if there are feelings involved or not. If talking to you makes me cry, why would I still talk to you anymore? My heart can only fit one. I'm not sure who's in it anymore.
To receive a heart I have to give a heart. I have no one to give my heart to this Christmas. None that deserves it. Fairy tales doesnt exist.
90% of my blog posts have pictures more than words. Not because I'm vain... well, okay partly because I'm vain, partly because people are just too lazy to read blogs they prefer to see pictures instead, I too, am too lazy to write too much, then I lazy to proofread some more...
Now that I'm back in Penang, friends and relatives who have been reading my blog came up to me and said "wahhh somebody is having a lot of fun in Australia lohhh, very fun right? Shuang hor?"
What's going through my mind is that you sounded like you're not happy for me when I seem to be happy and having fun in Australia. Perhaps hinting that I'm having fun, forgetting what my main purpose of being in Australia is... to study. Well for one, I dont like to share sad bits and pieces of my life unless I really really feel like it, I try only to share happy posts because I believe if I am happy, whoever that is reading my blog would be happy, I mean, who would want to read a blog that is constantly filled with negative posts? Two, I do study and work as well while I'm in Australia. I study hard, work hard, play hard. I do blog about all 3 of those.
Not many people know the main purpose of me wanting to go to Australia to study, isnt because everybody around me went overseas and I wanted to go too. Its not like that. The main reason is because I wanted a new life, I wanted to start over. Last year I was in such a devastating state, I ran out of ideas to safe my own life, I needed a new life. It was when I was so desperate for a restart button in my life. I argued with my sister so much I hated her, I didnt want to live with her. I wished I'd never met Liang before in my life. I wish I knew what to do with my life, everything was in such a mess that I ran out of ways to fix it, I dont want to fix my life anymore, I want a new life.
Life in Australia made me a bitch but its a new life nonetheless. A broken heart broke more hearts.
I could not say I was happy. I wasnt who I was for a period of time but I loved it. I wasnt crying every night anymore, I wasnt calling up random friends to talk anymore, I wasnt going out till 3 in the morning just so that I wouldnt spend the night alone at home in my room anymore, I wasnt asking everybody out, making sure that I'm not home alone, I'm not trying to stay up late every night distracting myself with games and movies, making myself as tired as possible before I hit the sheets, just so that I could fall asleep the moment I lay down in bed. I didnt want to be alone or I'd start crying when so many things reminded me of the awful memories.
Now that I'm back in Penang, The memories followed. The moment I step into my room, my room smelled exactly as how I remembered, exactly as how I left it, exactly as how we use to spend so much time in my room. I could see my rubbish bin in the middle of the room, us sitting down with fishes made out of ang pows, scattered all over the floor and around us, scissors in our hands, then after staring at him for 5 minutes I said with a huge smile, "cubby u look really cute when you're focused, with a really serious face." Then he looked up and smiled. I could never forget that smile. The smile that I'd give up anything right now just to forget it. Then I thought of us cleaning up the maggots in my room cause there was a carcass in the roof right above my room, the maggots came down the corners of my room and we were looking at those fat juicy creatures, sweeping them away, moving the furniture in my room around. This is where it all happened. He did my hair here. He even promised to paint my room together with me at the end of the year. It never happened. I didnt want to cry. Didnt know why I did. Why did I throw away the pictures why did I burn them? I shouldnt have.
That's just my room. Shit loads of other things around me, the list goes on. I cant live this life anymore. I went to Perth for a new life, and now I'm back to who I was exactly a year ago from today, exactly who I was before I went.
Sunday, June 13, 2010 @ 5:54 AM
