Two years ago I was young, naive, and so in love. I felt like my life is perfect, I've found the perfect guy, about to graduate Diploma, perfect job, love my hair, love my friends, love my family... everyday was a good day for me. And I use to skip so much... skip around the office, around college, on the streets, in my house, in my room! I can faintly recall those times. I was happy.
Did I grow up? Or why am I not skipping anymore?
A year ago when I was working as an iPhone promoter, I came across this lady. She's not a customer of mine, she was just in the shop looking for a person n she wasnt there, I was bored, we started chatting over the counter... she told me she knows fortune telling. Out of curiosity I asked her to read my fortune, I mean, who wouldnt want to know? I never knew her. She told me about my career, love life and family. Not that I want to believe such crap but something hit me from what she told me. It was actually true coming from a stranger. Maybe she's good at reading my body language, judging me from the way i dress the topic we talked. But I was just some bimbo in heels talking too much. That helps to sell products doesnt it?
She knew I had family problems, arguments and conflicts with my sister were too much for me. She knew that I'm a perfectionist in love and relationships. Exact quote from her "if that guy isnt perfect, you'd leave him and search for another guy - one that is perfect." That explains why when I found one that I find perfect, its so hard for me to let go, so hard for me to move on. I was so scared, so lost, so empty.
Now I see myself as a person of who I use to find perfect, in search of perfection. This is not a good sign. I will never be good enough, I will never be satisfied enough. Fairy tales dont exist.
I was lost. Then I've found myself. Now I'm having second thoughts - is this the right choice? I've always been the indecisive person, afraid to even decide which flavour of chips should I get. Not that I'm easy enough not to be picky in flavours, my mind just works on its own to decide the best flavour to take for today.. and it just takes forever. Just because I'm scared, scared of making the wrong decisions, wrong decisions in life from as simple as flavoured chips to what I should do with my life.
Insecure, scared, frighten... living my life being haunted by possible consequences, what I might have gotten myself into. Afraid to grow up.. afraid to face burning truths... afraid there's no one to lean on... afraid to even live my own life.
Incomplete, lost, in need of people to point me to the right direction. This is when dad says I'm a big girl now, old enough to make my own decisions, strong enough to face the downside of life... at times I just wish I could still be daddy's little girl, with nothing to worry about. At times I admire my own brain and how it works, being conscious of things that others might not be conscious about, at least not yet.
When you're a baby, you can barely stand up but you cant wait to run. When you're a kid, it feels great to secretly slip your tiny feet into mommy's high heels for just a few minutes. When you're in primary school you hated the boys, you find boys, holding hands and kissing disgusting, but parents and teachers still sit you right next to the boys, you wish you were old enough to make adult decisions, which at that time is to not sit beside a boy. In secondary you hit puberty. You start wearing heels, see what make up brand your friends use, you start to wear a bra, you cant fit into children sized clothings anymore, neither can you fit into adult sized clothings. But you still chose to shop at adult boutiques, simply because you cant wait to grow up, cant wait to graduate, cant wait to work. Then after you get what you thought you wanted, you dont want them anymore.
Before you hit mid life crisis, there's this phase called quarter life crisis or some kind of quarter life turmoil, where me here, havent even turn 22 yet, start to miss being a rebel in high school, how I know I'm mature enough to not risk breaking rules cause there's actually no point for it. Breaking rules in high school made me feel good, invincible, confident, fun. How I look back at my own pictures, reminiscing how I use to look - young, straight hair, innocent (I must say!), and I didnt use to have eye bags. My eyes use to shine. I refuse to think this has got anything to do with aging, eyes dont age, but I bet the soul does. Not saying that I'm proud of who I've become, but I do miss the person who I use to be - strong, and happy. Now I'm determined, stubborn, arrogant, emotional, confused. Think I'm falling apart.
Researchers found that this is often a time for reflection and reassessment (quote Wiki on midlife crisis). Which is what I've been doing for the past 1 year. I still cant find myself yet.
It causes a period of psychological stress and depression (yes quote from Wiki). Yes I see the symptoms on me already thank you very much.
It is because middle aged men experience major events in their life like losing/ death of a loved one (the break up), career setback (maybe not yet), kids moving out on their parents to study to work or to get married (more like me/ben's leaving), debt (yes I'm running low on fundings and I think my dad is spending too much money on the family and I feel the punch), or even physical changes due to aging (not funny!).
Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:
search of an undefined dream or goal
a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
confusion about who they are, unable to make decisions about where they want to go in their life
questioning the choices that they have made in their life
blaming themselves or their partner for their failures.
Feeling a need for adventure and change
paying special attention to physical appearance such as covering baldness, wearing "younger" designer clothes etc.
entering relationships with younger people (either/or sexual, professional, parental, etc.)
placing overimportance (and possibly a psychologically damaging amount) on their children to excel in areas such as sports, arts or academics.
How many? I mean, exactly HOW MANY of these fit what I'm going through to be honest?
This is when I could use some counselling, psychological therapy, etc...
And there isnt an article in Wiki saying how to overcome mid life crisis. I'm aging too fast. There you go, depression. And when I Google midlife crisis, "divorcesupport.com" and "Coping with your husband's midlife crisis: Relationships" comes out at the top 2 links. Way the go Jocelyn, you're a 40 year old fat bald dude in a 21 year old uni student's body.
I came to Perth to start over a new life. I cant just start over every single time this happens to me. Then I'd need a new life every year. Why is this happening to me? Why cant I be some 21 year old smoking weed happily in the balcony? Watching series and movies everyday, playing games like Dota everyday, getting drunk and wasted, partying and clubbing... shopping and hanging out with girlfriends painting each other's toenails. Making out on the couch with their boyfriends, and beyond. Well that's what everyone around me is doing right now, to be happy, to have fun. What about me? 20 years down the line I might just regret not bungee jumping when I was 22 simply because I'm old already. 10 years down the line I might just regret I didnt get myself a tattoo when I was 21. 8 years down the line I might just regret I didnt date enough guys, and now I'm settled with this husband already. 5 years, 3 years, or even just next month, there are so many things that I might end up regretting in life. What should I be doing now? At this age? Not wanting to grow up too fast. Not wanting to be a kid anymore.
Two years ago I was young, naive, and so in love. I felt like my life is perfect, I've found the perfect guy, about to graduate Diploma, perfect job, love my hair, love my friends, love my family... everyday was a good day for me. And I use to skip so much... skip around the office, around college, on the streets, in my house, in my room! I can faintly recall those times. I was happy.
Did I grow up? Or why am I not skipping anymore?
A year ago when I was working as an iPhone promoter, I came across this lady. She's not a customer of mine, she was just in the shop looking for a person n she wasnt there, I was bored, we started chatting over the counter... she told me she knows fortune telling. Out of curiosity I asked her to read my fortune, I mean, who wouldnt want to know? I never knew her. She told me about my career, love life and family. Not that I want to believe such crap but something hit me from what she told me. It was actually true coming from a stranger. Maybe she's good at reading my body language, judging me from the way i dress the topic we talked. But I was just some bimbo in heels talking too much. That helps to sell products doesnt it?
She knew I had family problems, arguments and conflicts with my sister were too much for me. She knew that I'm a perfectionist in love and relationships. Exact quote from her "if that guy isnt perfect, you'd leave him and search for another guy - one that is perfect." That explains why when I found one that I find perfect, its so hard for me to let go, so hard for me to move on. I was so scared, so lost, so empty.
Now I see myself as a person of who I use to find perfect, in search of perfection. This is not a good sign. I will never be good enough, I will never be satisfied enough. Fairy tales dont exist.
I was lost. Then I've found myself. Now I'm having second thoughts - is this the right choice? I've always been the indecisive person, afraid to even decide which flavour of chips should I get. Not that I'm easy enough not to be picky in flavours, my mind just works on its own to decide the best flavour to take for today.. and it just takes forever. Just because I'm scared, scared of making the wrong decisions, wrong decisions in life from as simple as flavoured chips to what I should do with my life.
Insecure, scared, frighten... living my life being haunted by possible consequences, what I might have gotten myself into. Afraid to grow up.. afraid to face burning truths... afraid there's no one to lean on... afraid to even live my own life.
Incomplete, lost, in need of people to point me to the right direction. This is when dad says I'm a big girl now, old enough to make my own decisions, strong enough to face the downside of life... at times I just wish I could still be daddy's little girl, with nothing to worry about. At times I admire my own brain and how it works, being conscious of things that others might not be conscious about, at least not yet.
When you're a baby, you can barely stand up but you cant wait to run. When you're a kid, it feels great to secretly slip your tiny feet into mommy's high heels for just a few minutes. When you're in primary school you hated the boys, you find boys, holding hands and kissing disgusting, but parents and teachers still sit you right next to the boys, you wish you were old enough to make adult decisions, which at that time is to not sit beside a boy. In secondary you hit puberty. You start wearing heels, see what make up brand your friends use, you start to wear a bra, you cant fit into children sized clothings anymore, neither can you fit into adult sized clothings. But you still chose to shop at adult boutiques, simply because you cant wait to grow up, cant wait to graduate, cant wait to work. Then after you get what you thought you wanted, you dont want them anymore.
Before you hit mid life crisis, there's this phase called quarter life crisis or some kind of quarter life turmoil, where me here, havent even turn 22 yet, start to miss being a rebel in high school, how I know I'm mature enough to not risk breaking rules cause there's actually no point for it. Breaking rules in high school made me feel good, invincible, confident, fun. How I look back at my own pictures, reminiscing how I use to look - young, straight hair, innocent (I must say!), and I didnt use to have eye bags. My eyes use to shine. I refuse to think this has got anything to do with aging, eyes dont age, but I bet the soul does. Not saying that I'm proud of who I've become, but I do miss the person who I use to be - strong, and happy. Now I'm determined, stubborn, arrogant, emotional, confused. Think I'm falling apart.
Researchers found that this is often a time for reflection and reassessment (quote Wiki on midlife crisis). Which is what I've been doing for the past 1 year. I still cant find myself yet.
It causes a period of psychological stress and depression (yes quote from Wiki). Yes I see the symptoms on me already thank you very much.
It is because middle aged men experience major events in their life like losing/ death of a loved one (the break up), career setback (maybe not yet), kids moving out on their parents to study to work or to get married (more like me/ben's leaving), debt (yes I'm running low on fundings and I think my dad is spending too much money on the family and I feel the punch), or even physical changes due to aging (not funny!).
Individuals experiencing a mid-life crisis have some of these feelings:
search of an undefined dream or goal
a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
need to spend more time alone or with certain peers
confusion about who they are, unable to make decisions about where they want to go in their life
questioning the choices that they have made in their life
blaming themselves or their partner for their failures.
Feeling a need for adventure and change
paying special attention to physical appearance such as covering baldness, wearing "younger" designer clothes etc.
entering relationships with younger people (either/or sexual, professional, parental, etc.)
placing overimportance (and possibly a psychologically damaging amount) on their children to excel in areas such as sports, arts or academics.
How many? I mean, exactly HOW MANY of these fit what I'm going through to be honest?
This is when I could use some counselling, psychological therapy, etc...
And there isnt an article in Wiki saying how to overcome mid life crisis. I'm aging too fast. There you go, depression. And when I Google midlife crisis, "divorcesupport.com" and "Coping with your husband's midlife crisis: Relationships" comes out at the top 2 links. Way the go Jocelyn, you're a 40 year old fat bald dude in a 21 year old uni student's body.
I came to Perth to start over a new life. I cant just start over every single time this happens to me. Then I'd need a new life every year. Why is this happening to me? Why cant I be some 21 year old smoking weed happily in the balcony? Watching series and movies everyday, playing games like Dota everyday, getting drunk and wasted, partying and clubbing... shopping and hanging out with girlfriends painting each other's toenails. Making out on the couch with their boyfriends, and beyond. Well that's what everyone around me is doing right now, to be happy, to have fun. What about me? 20 years down the line I might just regret not bungee jumping when I was 22 simply because I'm old already. 10 years down the line I might just regret I didnt get myself a tattoo when I was 21. 8 years down the line I might just regret I didnt date enough guys, and now I'm settled with this husband already. 5 years, 3 years, or even just next month, there are so many things that I might end up regretting in life. What should I be doing now? At this age? Not wanting to grow up too fast. Not wanting to be a kid anymore.
Sunday, February 28, 2010 @ 11:43 PM
