Pixellated picture of the empty street in front of my house. All I wanted was to chill in the middle of the streets. Cold air on my face, star covered night sky... no people no cars. Best feeling ever.
I've got so much on my mind right now I just dont know where, how or who I can express myself to. Its like I need to throw up but I cant, cause I'm in someone else's car, cause I need to look good, and I'm stubborn enough to refuse to believe that I'm actually drunk, and of course, the champagne was expensive, better keep it in and force my stomach to digest it anyhow. Fact is, I dont know what to think what to feel what to say what to do, anymore. A part of me feels like its gone for good. I must admit I saw it coming. Just wanted to live in denial, live in my little fantasy land and refuse to step out of this happy bubble that I've created... refuse to believe that miracles dont happen... all along conscious but refuse to face the truth.
I was told to grow up. Yeah these thoughts were once in my head, all of them, before anything even started. I just chose to be optimistic just so I'd lie to myself and be happy... deep inside dreading for the awful day to hit me one day, cause I've tried ways to prevent it, to fix it. I ended up with denying it. I grew and decided to stay.
Gave myself 3 shots of Bailey's. Found it in some box around the house. That'll put me to sleep... not cause I watch too much TVB drama series. No, really. I'm suppose to have hot chocolate, but this is creamy ad milk-like too!
I dont know what I can do with my life anymore. The subjects in uni are easy. I cant get a job till i come back in April. Sister's wedding is in April. There is no goal for me anymore, all of a sudden. Dont worry, I aint gonna kill myself. I just need a goal in life for me to stare at until I somehow find a way to make it near that goal... near will do, I never keep my hopes up high.
I'm not even inspired to write anymore. I dont feel like sleeping but I have a class tomorrow, I have errands to run, assignments to complete, a smile to fake... I cant afford a break down, not today, not now. Cant afford to throw up, cant afford to burst no matter how much I need to. I need to pull myself together and keep myself under control. Anddddd I hope I know what I'm doing or what I'm getting myself into.
Pixellated picture of the empty street in front of my house. All I wanted was to chill in the middle of the streets. Cold air on my face, star covered night sky... no people no cars. Best feeling ever.
I've got so much on my mind right now I just dont know where, how or who I can express myself to. Its like I need to throw up but I cant, cause I'm in someone else's car, cause I need to look good, and I'm stubborn enough to refuse to believe that I'm actually drunk, and of course, the champagne was expensive, better keep it in and force my stomach to digest it anyhow. Fact is, I dont know what to think what to feel what to say what to do, anymore. A part of me feels like its gone for good. I must admit I saw it coming. Just wanted to live in denial, live in my little fantasy land and refuse to step out of this happy bubble that I've created... refuse to believe that miracles dont happen... all along conscious but refuse to face the truth.
I was told to grow up. Yeah these thoughts were once in my head, all of them, before anything even started. I just chose to be optimistic just so I'd lie to myself and be happy... deep inside dreading for the awful day to hit me one day, cause I've tried ways to prevent it, to fix it. I ended up with denying it. I grew and decided to stay.
Gave myself 3 shots of Bailey's. Found it in some box around the house. That'll put me to sleep... not cause I watch too much TVB drama series. No, really. I'm suppose to have hot chocolate, but this is creamy ad milk-like too!
I dont know what I can do with my life anymore. The subjects in uni are easy. I cant get a job till i come back in April. Sister's wedding is in April. There is no goal for me anymore, all of a sudden. Dont worry, I aint gonna kill myself. I just need a goal in life for me to stare at until I somehow find a way to make it near that goal... near will do, I never keep my hopes up high.
I'm not even inspired to write anymore. I dont feel like sleeping but I have a class tomorrow, I have errands to run, assignments to complete, a smile to fake... I cant afford a break down, not today, not now. Cant afford to throw up, cant afford to burst no matter how much I need to. I need to pull myself together and keep myself under control. Anddddd I hope I know what I'm doing or what I'm getting myself into.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010 @ 3:56 AM
