90% of my blog posts have pictures more than words. Not because I'm vain... well, okay partly because I'm vain, partly because people are just too lazy to read blogs they prefer to see pictures instead, I too, am too lazy to write too much, then I lazy to proofread some more...
Now that I'm back in Penang, friends and relatives who have been reading my blog came up to me and said "wahhh somebody is having a lot of fun in Australia lohhh, very fun right? Shuang hor?"
What's going through my mind is that you sounded like you're not happy for me when I seem to be happy and having fun in Australia. Perhaps hinting that I'm having fun, forgetting what my main purpose of being in Australia is... to study. Well for one, I dont like to share sad bits and pieces of my life unless I really really feel like it, I try only to share happy posts because I believe if I am happy, whoever that is reading my blog would be happy, I mean, who would want to read a blog that is constantly filled with negative posts? Two, I do study and work as well while I'm in Australia. I study hard, work hard, play hard. I do blog about all 3 of those.
Not many people know the main purpose of me wanting to go to Australia to study, isnt because everybody around me went overseas and I wanted to go too. Its not like that. The main reason is because I wanted a new life, I wanted to start over. Last year I was in such a devastating state, I ran out of ideas to safe my own life, I needed a new life. It was when I was so desperate for a restart button in my life. I argued with my sister so much I hated her, I didnt want to live with her. I wished I'd never met Liang before in my life. I wish I knew what to do with my life, everything was in such a mess that I ran out of ways to fix it, I dont want to fix my life anymore, I want a new life.
Life in Australia made me a bitch but its a new life nonetheless. A broken heart broke more hearts.
I could not say I was happy. I wasnt who I was for a period of time but I loved it. I wasnt crying every night anymore, I wasnt calling up random friends to talk anymore, I wasnt going out till 3 in the morning just so that I wouldnt spend the night alone at home in my room anymore, I wasnt asking everybody out, making sure that I'm not home alone, I'm not trying to stay up late every night distracting myself with games and movies, making myself as tired as possible before I hit the sheets, just so that I could fall asleep the moment I lay down in bed. I didnt want to be alone or I'd start crying when so many things reminded me of the awful memories.
Now that I'm back in Penang, The memories followed. The moment I step into my room, my room smelled exactly as how I remembered, exactly as how I left it, exactly as how we use to spend so much time in my room. I could see my rubbish bin in the middle of the room, us sitting down with fishes made out of ang pows, scattered all over the floor and around us, scissors in our hands, then after staring at him for 5 minutes I said with a huge smile, "cubby u look really cute when you're focused, with a really serious face." Then he looked up and smiled. I could never forget that smile. The smile that I'd give up anything right now just to forget it. Then I thought of us cleaning up the maggots in my room cause there was a carcass in the roof right above my room, the maggots came down the corners of my room and we were looking at those fat juicy creatures, sweeping them away, moving the furniture in my room around. This is where it all happened. He did my hair here. He even promised to paint my room together with me at the end of the year. It never happened. I didnt want to cry. Didnt know why I did. Why did I throw away the pictures why did I burn them? I shouldnt have.
That's just my room. Shit loads of other things around me, the list goes on. I cant live this life anymore. I went to Perth for a new life, and now I'm back to who I was exactly a year ago from today, exactly who I was before I went.
Cheer up, and actually I've read your blog! hehe...weird but this might sound freaky, I'm here for you if you need someone to shout out your lungs, even though we have not met each other! BAHAHA... (:
90% of my blog posts have pictures more than words. Not because I'm vain... well, okay partly because I'm vain, partly because people are just too lazy to read blogs they prefer to see pictures instead, I too, am too lazy to write too much, then I lazy to proofread some more...
Now that I'm back in Penang, friends and relatives who have been reading my blog came up to me and said "wahhh somebody is having a lot of fun in Australia lohhh, very fun right? Shuang hor?"
What's going through my mind is that you sounded like you're not happy for me when I seem to be happy and having fun in Australia. Perhaps hinting that I'm having fun, forgetting what my main purpose of being in Australia is... to study. Well for one, I dont like to share sad bits and pieces of my life unless I really really feel like it, I try only to share happy posts because I believe if I am happy, whoever that is reading my blog would be happy, I mean, who would want to read a blog that is constantly filled with negative posts? Two, I do study and work as well while I'm in Australia. I study hard, work hard, play hard. I do blog about all 3 of those.
Not many people know the main purpose of me wanting to go to Australia to study, isnt because everybody around me went overseas and I wanted to go too. Its not like that. The main reason is because I wanted a new life, I wanted to start over. Last year I was in such a devastating state, I ran out of ideas to safe my own life, I needed a new life. It was when I was so desperate for a restart button in my life. I argued with my sister so much I hated her, I didnt want to live with her. I wished I'd never met Liang before in my life. I wish I knew what to do with my life, everything was in such a mess that I ran out of ways to fix it, I dont want to fix my life anymore, I want a new life.
Life in Australia made me a bitch but its a new life nonetheless. A broken heart broke more hearts.
I could not say I was happy. I wasnt who I was for a period of time but I loved it. I wasnt crying every night anymore, I wasnt calling up random friends to talk anymore, I wasnt going out till 3 in the morning just so that I wouldnt spend the night alone at home in my room anymore, I wasnt asking everybody out, making sure that I'm not home alone, I'm not trying to stay up late every night distracting myself with games and movies, making myself as tired as possible before I hit the sheets, just so that I could fall asleep the moment I lay down in bed. I didnt want to be alone or I'd start crying when so many things reminded me of the awful memories.
Now that I'm back in Penang, The memories followed. The moment I step into my room, my room smelled exactly as how I remembered, exactly as how I left it, exactly as how we use to spend so much time in my room. I could see my rubbish bin in the middle of the room, us sitting down with fishes made out of ang pows, scattered all over the floor and around us, scissors in our hands, then after staring at him for 5 minutes I said with a huge smile, "cubby u look really cute when you're focused, with a really serious face." Then he looked up and smiled. I could never forget that smile. The smile that I'd give up anything right now just to forget it. Then I thought of us cleaning up the maggots in my room cause there was a carcass in the roof right above my room, the maggots came down the corners of my room and we were looking at those fat juicy creatures, sweeping them away, moving the furniture in my room around. This is where it all happened. He did my hair here. He even promised to paint my room together with me at the end of the year. It never happened. I didnt want to cry. Didnt know why I did. Why did I throw away the pictures why did I burn them? I shouldnt have.
That's just my room. Shit loads of other things around me, the list goes on. I cant live this life anymore. I went to Perth for a new life, and now I'm back to who I was exactly a year ago from today, exactly who I was before I went.
Cheer up, and actually I've read your blog! hehe...weird but this might sound freaky, I'm here for you if you need someone to shout out your lungs, even though we have not met each other! BAHAHA... (:
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 @ 12:02 AM
