Jocelyn Lee has no idea why she has been depressingly down lately.
Nothing extreme happened. Maybe its just a combination of things.
3 weeks ago, I was in such a mess that I seriously need to do something to clear things up. All I feel was my mind was so troubled I'd do anything to escape. I felt sad, hopeless, scared and angry... angry at myself for not being able to get a grip, not being able to control my own life.
There are things in life that I cant control, I can only control those that are tangible, those that are within my grip. Sometimes I just want to take control of the uncontrollable stuff. Maybe I'm just being stubborn and arrogant enough to think "its my life, I refuse to believe I cant control it" and.... I cant.
A lot of my friends are leaving tomorrow, to go back home. Seeing all the packed luggages on the hallway makes me feel.... sad. Giving a goodbye hug as we bid farewell makes me... sad. Looking at my full kitchen cupboard makes me... sad.
I've never been so homesick before, ever. If everyone isnt leaving I would be this home sick. I'd miss home but I wouldnt be depressed. Then again its a combination of things, me missing home, me losing friends, me not earning enough to spend...
The last time when I was this 烦 is the time when I realize that I didnt bring enough medicine to last me past November through December till January. I was scared... and worried. What am I scared and worried about right now? A place to stay, earning enough to cover expenses... and a person to hold. People to face.
I believe that the only time that I would be angry at someone is when I allow them to anger me.
The only time when I would be hurt, is when I allow someone to hurt me.
Its my life, I decide what to do with it. You dont make me angry, I make myself angry.
For everything I blame myself for being there in the first place, for falling in the first place. For things out of my control, I figured I could have somehow prevented it. Like a rotten dirty dish in the sink. If I washed it the moment after I finished eating, I could have prevented having to face the sight of it, the smell of it, the wastage if I really had to throw it away. I could have prevented it. I could have prevented a lot of things. The broken hearts, the troubles caused....
Its 3.30 in the morning and I really do not feel like sleeping, I'm super tired but I dont feel like sleeping... but I have to. I have work tomorrow.
My heart feels heavy. The last time I had this feeling is when I argued with someone.
I'm so complicated that even me myself cant understand me. I thought I did, I didnt really.
Marvy from Subway said to me last week "Jo you're so bubbly! I wish I could be like you!" I'm bubbly by nature. I'm a happy person by nature. But it takes something to make me sad, depressed and angry. Or maybe I dont really understand myself.
Still looking for an answer from myself. What exactly makes me happy?
Poor girl..sometimes you just happens to go on this downward spiral that you don't even know how it happened or for some reasons that you couldn't help, I can't say much cause I'm facing the same thing as well and I, too is looking for the answer..
Just hang on over there, though not able to be there with you but remember we are always here..
I know this might not help you much, but remember there's always someone like me care to know what's going on with you and how you are..you're not alone. =)
Cheer up..
I can't wait till you're back..until then please take care of yourself.
Jocelyn Lee has no idea why she has been depressingly down lately.
Nothing extreme happened. Maybe its just a combination of things.
3 weeks ago, I was in such a mess that I seriously need to do something to clear things up. All I feel was my mind was so troubled I'd do anything to escape. I felt sad, hopeless, scared and angry... angry at myself for not being able to get a grip, not being able to control my own life.
There are things in life that I cant control, I can only control those that are tangible, those that are within my grip. Sometimes I just want to take control of the uncontrollable stuff. Maybe I'm just being stubborn and arrogant enough to think "its my life, I refuse to believe I cant control it" and.... I cant.
A lot of my friends are leaving tomorrow, to go back home. Seeing all the packed luggages on the hallway makes me feel.... sad. Giving a goodbye hug as we bid farewell makes me... sad. Looking at my full kitchen cupboard makes me... sad.
I've never been so homesick before, ever. If everyone isnt leaving I would be this home sick. I'd miss home but I wouldnt be depressed. Then again its a combination of things, me missing home, me losing friends, me not earning enough to spend...
The last time when I was this 烦 is the time when I realize that I didnt bring enough medicine to last me past November through December till January. I was scared... and worried. What am I scared and worried about right now? A place to stay, earning enough to cover expenses... and a person to hold. People to face.
I believe that the only time that I would be angry at someone is when I allow them to anger me.
The only time when I would be hurt, is when I allow someone to hurt me.
Its my life, I decide what to do with it. You dont make me angry, I make myself angry.
For everything I blame myself for being there in the first place, for falling in the first place. For things out of my control, I figured I could have somehow prevented it. Like a rotten dirty dish in the sink. If I washed it the moment after I finished eating, I could have prevented having to face the sight of it, the smell of it, the wastage if I really had to throw it away. I could have prevented it. I could have prevented a lot of things. The broken hearts, the troubles caused....
Its 3.30 in the morning and I really do not feel like sleeping, I'm super tired but I dont feel like sleeping... but I have to. I have work tomorrow.
My heart feels heavy. The last time I had this feeling is when I argued with someone.
I'm so complicated that even me myself cant understand me. I thought I did, I didnt really.
Marvy from Subway said to me last week "Jo you're so bubbly! I wish I could be like you!" I'm bubbly by nature. I'm a happy person by nature. But it takes something to make me sad, depressed and angry. Or maybe I dont really understand myself.
Still looking for an answer from myself. What exactly makes me happy?
Poor girl..sometimes you just happens to go on this downward spiral that you don't even know how it happened or for some reasons that you couldn't help, I can't say much cause I'm facing the same thing as well and I, too is looking for the answer..
Just hang on over there, though not able to be there with you but remember we are always here..
I know this might not help you much, but remember there's always someone like me care to know what's going on with you and how you are..you're not alone. =)
Cheer up..
I can't wait till you're back..until then please take care of yourself.
Monday, November 23, 2009 @ 3:42 AM
